Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

there’s music for literally every activity

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

new career option?

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

where’s Godzilla when we need him