No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
he’ll never suspect a thing
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’ll be mad as hell!
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there