No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You Might Also Like
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
New tinder profile pic
