No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Never forget.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell