No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.