No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
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The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed