[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.