Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?