Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

😞

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on