No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Guys which shade of gery should I get
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives