No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
grandpa was shocked
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”