no one likes gloating
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
is it too early for christmas memes
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.