no one likes gloating
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
jesus, what did this guy do
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.