Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.