No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
every man in east london
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Meme Monday.
