No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
🤣
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed