No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
based
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.