No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
