No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”![]()
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’m being attacked 😭
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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