Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Respect

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

You can’t rush stupid.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to