No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
what kind of cook setting is this??
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.