No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
How do you milk an almond?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”