Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale