Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

LOL

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream