No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
So sick of all these stupid rules
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Challenge accepted.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
i dont have time for this
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes