Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great first step 😂

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Seems legit

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy