Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

A short story of betrayal:

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.