No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
