No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*