No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You Might Also Like
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.