Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.