no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Ok but actually
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
omg leave her alone
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else