no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
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Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit