No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
You Might Also Like
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work