Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.