No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
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One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!