Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not