No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
relationship goals
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack