No one :
Me when I swimming :
You Might Also Like
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Unexpected Judgment
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few