No one :
Me when I swimming :
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Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Stop.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait