No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
For anyone who needs this today
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”