no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
It’s on my to-do list.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.