no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
#MeanwhileinCanada
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Close call…
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.