Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

(yawn)

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

weddings should have a worst man

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.