Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

I have two kinds of followers

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this