No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.