Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Jokes on them. I took 10.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.