no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo![]()
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
scared to check what name she chose
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365