No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…