Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab