No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.