Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

“i miss shittin on people”

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

😂🥴

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.