Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

If you know, you know

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!