No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
#CoronaOutbreak
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
prepare for carbonated trouble
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Breaking news:
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.