Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Krampus.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?