No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Customize Your Wedding.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Care for your back
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”