Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.