Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

😂

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?