Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

when u come home smelling like another dog

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.