Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Mapping America’s Far Right

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.