No one:
My kid at bedtime: did Jesus have a tail
You Might Also Like
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
this chia pet tastes awful
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
