No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
True
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*