Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

A classic…

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”