Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Smile they said.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*