No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.![]()
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please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:![]()
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together