no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
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584.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot