Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now