No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
![]()
You Might Also Like
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
![]()
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
![]()
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.