No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”