No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]