Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.