No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.