Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.