Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

Van Gone

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.