Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

what the hell girl, sure

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy