@BlindChow

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

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@ClichedOut

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@Eyeronic_name

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

@WilliamAder

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

@daplusk

I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily