No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

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HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?


I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.


when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit


“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….


Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)


Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.


“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?


I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150


*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily