No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters